I'm Done Beating Myself Up Over What I'm Not: Breaking Free From The Judgment of Others (Revisited)

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Music Vibes: Michael Jackson's Man in the Mirror

I vow to break free from worrying about the judgment of others. I am done being unhappy with myself. I'm done hiding because I don't have the body I want, or I don't act as cavalier with grace as I'd like. I'm done obsessively going over things in my head over an interaction that I think I made awkward as fuck. I'm done being unhappy & not living my life the way I want to. I'm done trying to be someone I'm not for the sake of another person. I'm done not standing up for myself.

I've had more 'happy' moments when I would let things flow organically instead of putting my own words or actions under a microscope, every single word & action, mind you. Don't get me wrong, self-reflection & self-awareness are extremely important, but don't become so obsessive that you tear yourself down for all of your supposed wrongdoings.

I grew up skinny, I was told to eat, even though I could outeat a lot of my friends. (Why the fuck do people think commenting on a child's weight or body is ok?) Now, having more curves than I'd like & being worried about my weight or how my body looks has kept me from just enjoying a moment or living up an opportunity. (I'm thrilled to say that not only have I been losing weight little by little consistently in the past year & I am a lot happier with my body & even myself.) I am still learning to embrace every curve & be comfortable in my own body, even though, in my mind, I'm still skinny. I am still making a conscious effort to be more active, but it's not a priority for me & with my fibro, I need to learn to listen to my body & take care of it, not over-extending myself.

I am not as quick-witted at times as I wish I were, I have to take the time to mull something over in my head before I find a good response or comeback. However, there are times when my witty comebacks are on point & sometimes when I'm not the only one who finds me hilarious.

I definitely don't sleep how I want. I snore, when my fibro flares up, I flip flop, & when I'm trying to fall asleep is when my brain likes to do its best work. I must have a true crime podcast or show playing to help shut off my brain enough to fall asleep. I have insomnia, but lack of sleep doesn't stop me from working hard & trying to live my best life. When it comes to sleep, I'm a diva, but when you have trouble sleeping for as long as you remember, once you find what works, you stick to it.

I am my own worst critic, yet I still think people judge every little thing when, in reality, I'm the one judging myself when most people could care less. The majority of humans are kinder to you than you are yourself when mistakes happen. Stop it! You may have something in your life that causes the initial reaction to be hard on yourself. You may have grown up thinking that you were never good enough, but you are! You deserve to show yourself some grace & part of that is not giving a fuck about the judging eyes of others.

Sometimes, I am too quiet, & sometimes, I talk too much. Sometimes, I sing in tune, & sometimes, I'm tone-deaf. Sometimes I laugh too loudly, sometimes I laugh when I shouldn't, & that's ok. I'm awkward & I'm owning it. Sometimes I make excuses for something I "can't" do, but then I make it happen & I rock it. I lack confidence in my looks, my abilities, & just being myself, but I am working on it. I'm searching & struggling to be happy, & proud of the woman I see in the mirror.

Regardless of all these things, I am finally seeing that I am a Beautiful badass & people are lucky to have me in their lives. I'm lucky to have people who help me see the best parts of me. I'm lucky for a tribe that loves & supports me just as much as I love & support them. I am worthy of their love. I am worthy of loving myself. They are worthy of my love because when I love people, I love them deeply & want the absolute best for them. I'm worthy of living my best, happiest life that I can, not worrying about how an outsider views me. I am worthy of the effort I give, as are you.

I have seen friends & family care so much about outward appearances & what the next person thinks, that they are too stressed to have fun & enjoy the moment. I myself have been too worried about how I look when I get ready for & it stresses me the fuck out. My anxiety is higher than when I take time to meditate, be excited for the fun I will have, & brush away all thoughts of what someone else will think. Who cares what strangers think about you? You know your life, you know your heart, you know the person you really are. Don't let other people's judgment or your perception of what they're thinking get in the way of you living and loving your life.

Step outside of your comfort zone on occasion, that's the only way you'll grow, but know that you're deserving. You deserve to be happy & enjoy the experiences that come your way. Stop worrying, break free from the judgment of others, live the life you want & know that whoever is meant to be in your tribe will love you just the way you are & support you in living your best life. Reflect on your own experiences; how have you broken free from other's judgment?

Thank you for loving me & my writing, I am so grateful to you for your support.

🖤💋💨