Are They With You As An Option or With You To Be WITH You...?

All my life, I’ve fought to be seen, I wanted to be the one chosen, I wanted someone to pick me. I still do. I still want to stand out in a crowd without actually standing out. I want that person that chooses me over everybody else. I am tired of being treated as an option instead of a priority, but I need to also make myself a priority.

I choose me, but when my depression demon rears its ugly face, I feel like I can’t function. The darkness surrounds and envelops me, sucking me in until I can’t breathe. I fight and I claw to get my way back into the light, but some days, I just want to succumb and be swallowed whole so I don’t have to think, feel, or act. I just want to disappear.

I just want to be happy. I don’t want to be the one who forgets things or always has to struggle just to function or struggle to just be happy. I want to be a reliable friend and family member. I want to be able to love myself enough to keep my motivation and not have to always fight to stay away from the dark pit.

I wish I was the type who saw the good in everything. I wish I had the belief & confidence in myself that I am always grasping for. I wish someone would see me and love me for me. I don’t want someone who picks at my every flaw, I want someone who adores my quirks & uniqueness, who helps support me being the best version of me.

My life is filled with those types of people; even if it doesn’t come in the form of the lover that I’d like, I still do not lack the love that I sometimes overlook because I can’t look past the loneliness.

I’m always on an expedition, hunting for a treasure no hands could ever grasp: happiness, fulfillment, & a sense of purpose. Motivation to do basic things eludes me. I want and need to eat healthier and be more active, but I don’t have the know-how. Ambition is fleeting, as it comes and goes.

Depression isn’t something to joke about & sometimes, it helps when you have that special someone holding you during the times you want to give up. You shouldn’t want to live for anybody but yourself, but sometimes it takes someone else to remind you of the things you live for.

Today, I’m in a decent headspace. A week ago, I hated life; I just wanted to disappear. I had a brief moment of wondering what the world would look like if I weren’t in it. The thought frightened me because I haven’t had those types of thoughts in a long time. I thought I had moved past them. The thought of succumbing to the darkness just to get away from the loneliness was all too tempting.

I used to never admit to those thoughts out loud. Nobody knew my struggle because I kept silent. I would be hurt that I had all of these people in my life that I cared about, but they didn’t see my demons. I was mad they weren’t there for me. They can’t see past the mask I put on so well. It’s not their fault that my pretend happy looks exactly like my genuine happy. They didn’t know.

I didn’t give them a chance to be there for me because I didn’t allow them to know what I was going through. I didn’t want to have to say it, and I just wanted them to see it. I can’t be mad that my people aren’t there during the darkness if I can’t admit there is a gaping hole trying to swallow me into oblivion.

The face in the darkness may not be the one you wish it were. It might not be the lover you want; it might be the best friend who is there for you by always listening, the best friend who spends hours building a fence just to help make you feel at home again. That face can look like the arms of everyone in your tribe, enveloping you in a strong hug, whether it’s physically or in spirit.

Remember those faces & how they show you they love you when you’re going through the hard times. Don’t be afraid to admit the hard times because the people who love you will do anything they can to bring you back to the light.

Thank you all for reading. Please don’t ever forget those faces of the people who care about you, the lights in the dark. If you need to reach out, my inbox is always open.

YOU MATTER.

🖤💋💨

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